It’s the little things…. #kids #mermaid #art #love (Taken with instagram)
1 year ago
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I am going to apologize ahead of time about this after school special article. As I approach twenty six—and every birthday really—I look at my life as a whole. I think about what I’ve been through and what is ahead. I have 2 1/2 decades under my belt and hopefully many more!
When I was eighteen I thought I knew everything. There wasn’t a lost or confused thought in my mind. When I turned 23, I was at the end of my collapsing empire. All of my life seemed to be shattered around me and there was no way around it. I was trapped. Everything I thought I knew was wrong. I didn’t even know myself. From that point on, I had to pick up the pieces and rebuild. The beauty of this is that I could build whatever I wanted. In life their are so many different paths to take. There are also many opportunities to get off track. When I was a little girl I had enormous dreams. I wanted to be an astronaut, a surgeon, a rock star, and a movie star. I used to check out books at the library and take notes in journals. My journals where highlighted and neat and detailed. I was going to land on the moon and I was going to star in movies.
My childhood was great but also sometimes very dark and scary. I had pancakes on the weekends and went to Disneyland and Knots Berry Farm in the summer. I had Barbies and amazing birthdays and wonderful Christmas mornings. But I also had a broken family that was glued together. There was always that fear of the unknown. What would the night turn in to? My eyes have always been clouded by hopes and dreams to buy my escape. It was my little secret, my way out in that glass piggy bank on my dresser. Sometimes my piggy bank would get so full and I’d feel so proud and hopeful and then my father would empty it out, every penny, then promising to pay it back one day. He’d return later that night, stumbling in drunk and belligerent looking for my mother. I’d lock myself in my room, in my closet or under my bed and try to make sense of what was going on outside of my room. I knew. He had used my money, which were my hopes and dreams, to poison his mind with whiskey and place his hurt into my mother’s face. He emptied my dreams into his wallet for several years after that. Every year we would move and start over. I would be the new kid at school, shy, but trying to make friends. When I finally did it was time to leave them and start over again in some other town.
When I was in third grade I remember running laps around the softball field at practice. I felt dizzy and out of breath. I told my coach that my heart was pumping fast and she told me to keep running, “Your heart is supposed to beat fast when you run.” Well, not 300 beats per minute. Most of my childhood I would get funny feelings in my chest but it was usually when I was running around like most kids do. I thought it was normal and no one was suspicious. Finally one day when my face was very red, and white around my lips, and I couldn’t breath. The nurse at school listened to me heart and I was sent to the ER. For several years I would be rushed to the ER to catch the funny rhythm but it would make a liar out of us and beat perfect and normal by the time we got there. When I was 14 we finally caught it and I was diagnosed with Supra-ventricular Tachycardia. I threw away all of my astronomy journals when I got home, knowing I’d never make it to NASA.
When I was 19 I had two cardiac ablations to correct it, leaving me with a new problem. I’d go into the ER every month complaining I didn’t feel well. They always sent me home, telling me I am fine. Finally one day when the doctor handed me the usual discharge papers, he mentioned my murmur, which I never had, assuming it was always there, then walked away. I stopped him and told him I never had a murmur. He ran more tests and 3 days later diagnosed me with moderate to severe aortic insufficiency. My aortic valve was regurgitating blood back into my heart and could eventually lead me to heart failure.
I’ve had twin boys and a beautiful little girl that are the love of my life. Only, their father wasn’t. I’ve always said, you can’t love anyone if you don’t love yourself, especially is you don’t even know yourself. I was young and love didn’t make any sense. I didn’t even think it was real or possible.
My point in all of this isn’t to make you feel sorry for me. This isn’t even the worst of it. This is all sugar coated. I could probably write a novel about all of my mishaps and unfortunate events, then again, couldn’t we all? My point is, life is unpredictable. Its unfair, brilliant, scary, beautiful, dark, funny, and chaotic. It is also what you make of it. I’ve had many chances to give up and let my the world get the best of me. You have to keep building. Life is like a house. You need repairs. You can add on. You can tear down walls. I still have big dreams and I am still going for them. I found love, which I never thought possible. I strive to give my kids a great live. I put myself back in school so that I can have the career I want. Whether you are 16, 26, or 56, you can always start over or take new paths. It is never too late to get the life of your dreams. Don’t let yourself be trapped by your mistakes or broken past. Just pick up the pieces and place them wherever you want.
”It’s only after we’ve lost everything that we’re free to do anything”-Chuck Palahniuk
2 years ago
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By the time you read this I will be only a few days away from walking down the aisle. As of now, I am less than a month away from the big day. Everyone has said it is stressful to plan a wedding, especially in less than a year. We got engaged on Christmas and didn’t set a date until late January, making our planning only a few months. Honestly, I could plan it in a month. The thing is…. I am a slacker. Procrastinating is what lures the stress factor in. We still need wedding bands, and officiant, guestbook, super hot shoes to wear under my dress, a cold front, as well as a few other minor details. My main advice would be to not to wait until the last minute. Also, have fun! Don’t stress over the fluff and don’t forget what is important.
As a wedding photographer, I have been there behind the scenes and I have seen it all. I’ve curled flower girls hair and dealt with caterers, secured veils, kicked out wedding crashers, and anything else you can imagine. I could plan a wedding with my eyes closed, just not mine. Instead of drowning in the overabundance of wedding detail and ideas, I just decided I’d rather enjoy emotion of it all and the friends and families to share this day with. I’m looking forward to becoming a Mrs. and seeing my out of town family and friends (and dancing the night away). It will all come together in the end. There is no need to lose my mind over it.
However, I am on a mission for hot purple heels! I found some gorgeous bridesmaid shoes to go with their gorgeous dresses (that I found for $35) but as of now, my feet are bare and I am hunting down some sexy heels. I asked my beloved Facebook friends for some great shoe sites. My girls really know their shoes! Here is the list:
*Also, Amazon and eBay were suggested.
The ceremony will be held at the Derby Street Chapel in historic Cocoa Village and music by violinist, Shivawn McCartney. The reception is walking distance from the chapel at The Parrish Grove Inn. We will have music by Josh Miller and a fully loaded iPod with our wedding mix for in between sets. I have been stocking up on wine over the past few months to set up a wine table. The guests can sample wines and have fun pairing them with the tapas style menu created by Jeff Coco at Vintage 56. I decided to make my own wedding cake/cupcakes. You can learn to do anything thanks to the internet and youtube. I checked out the decorating and icing techniques and bought some adorable cupcake liners and luster dust at www.bakeitpretty.com. I like the idea of saving money and sampling my cupcake work the night before. Plus, it makes for a great girls night. I am going to pre-make pomegranate margaritas for our specialty drink. If you want to steal this drink (it is amazing) then you’ll need tequilla, pomegranate liquor, pomegranate juice, sour mix, splash of orange juice, and lime.
Stay tuned for next month. I will include photos all the scoop on how the night turned out.
***Published in June 2010 issue of Brevard Live Magazine
***Photo by Garrett Frandsen
